10 Things You Can Still Believe In

1. Steak Dinners

One of my many rules of life is as follows. If you're ever away from civilization for any reason, and you end up spending a good chunk of time in a secluded area, the first thing you need to do when you get back is grab an overpriced piece of sirloin steak, (steak comes from Old Norse steik, "roast"). It's mankind's (Americans) ability to kill and eat delicious cow that separates us from those strange cultures that don't kill cows. And no matter how poor America gets, I don't think that will ever change. Believing in this is what separates me from the Kenyans. Well, that and my incredibly slow running speed.

2. Fellatio

Girls... Quality fellatio, and your ability to give it is the only reason some men wake up every day (Only 17% Of American Women Enjoy Doing This)... And you think I'm kidding.

3. Pez

Pez candy has been around forever (invented in 1927 in Vienna). It has been immortalized in movies and eaten by your Grandfather when he was a small child. It is timeless, tried, true and tasty. Respect it, and your life will be better.

4. T.V.

Few inventions will outlast the television (commercially available since the 1930's). It will be with us forever because people hate thinking. You probably already worship it anyway (though in truth, well, you are reading this…so that's something), but I figured I'd point out that, because everyone has one, it makes a real handy false idol. Just thought you should know.

5. Prostitution

It has been described as "the world's oldest profession." Most people would dispute this claim supported by the fact that hunting and farming were likely to have taken place first in human history. Either way you look at it, it's been around for as long as you and I have been alive. It dates back as early as the 18th century B.C., in the ancient society of Mesopotamia. That's even older than Jesus! It ain't going anywhere folks. You can count on that.

6. Alcohol

Though in the past alcohol has spent a few years taking crap from puritan groups, we all know it won't be going anywhere anytime soon. This timeless beverage is sung about, worshiped by frat monkeys and cried into during heartbreak. Alcohol has been used by people all over the world, in the standard diet, for hygienic/medical reasons and for recreational purposes. Some drinks have been invested with symbolic or religious significance suggesting the mystical use of alcohol (Greco-Roman religion). This crazy beverage dates back as far as 2100 BC and maybe even earlier. So bow to the goodness. Unlike your dad, I can promise you that this stuff will be around for your whole life.

7. Coca Cola or Pepsi

Fuck it, right? I mean, this stuff is a win/win and will be around when the dinosaurs come back from Neptune (that means a long time). Even if they have to put drugs in it to keep us buying it. These corporation just can't and won't die.

8. Olympics

No matter how little you care, no matter how little you watch, every four years, this stupid shit will pop up like a bad case of herpes (as opposed to that good case of herpes ~ you know ~ herpes plus?). You might as well have faith in it. It's not going anywhere either. At least you can get stoned with Phelps and watch it from now on.

9. War

This armed conflict can be dated back to a Nubian cemetery some 12,000 years ago. If you're a hardcore liberal, you would believe that your government learned long ago that war is what keeps them rich and keeps us in our place. Without war, we wouldn't have all that much to be afraid of. You can bank on that. Plus you have to have war to have peace. Think about it.

10. Taxes

Every good, every service, every chunk of income, and every organization (except churches and nations) get taxed. The first known system of taxation dates back to Ancient Egypt around 3000 BC - 2800BC. This was way before "No Taxation Without Representation". Death and taxes are here to stay. Taxes are way more reliable an event than anything else on earth. Hell, even the presence of oxygen.

Trigger's Two Cents:
As we struggle with the defining moments of our early adulthood, it is up to us to seek out and cling to those few things that we could expect to actually be around for us in the years to come. Unlike religion, marriage, or our local professional sports teams, some things will be around for years to come.

And those things deserve a little recognition and respect, because, quite frankly, not much else does.